Song of the moment here. I used to listen to this years ago while taking the commuter train into Boston, traipsing in the snow from home to train station, from train station to the office, and then back again. It’s a weirdly hopeful song despite sounding terribly sad. Seems fitting for these days.
***
It’s been a rough couple of months all around, and the only reason I have time to write this is because I went and got Covid. Months of wishing I could stay in bed all day, through pneumonia (November) and a sinus infection (December) and all the requisite holiday magic that only a mother can make — and now, here I am, stuck up in my daughters’ room because it’s the least complicated place in the house to “quarantine”. I say that in quotes because at least once every 30 minutes one child or another barrels through the door demanding something. I love them, but when I am sick I just want to be left alone. There is no alone with small children.
(Here comes one now, I can tell it’s O because of the stomping on the stairs. I can tell when it’s D because she yells all the way up the stairs. I can tell when it’s the little guy because he calls Mommy? Mommy? and takes twice as long to get to the door because his little legs are short.)
My problems, however immediate to me, are nothing compared to those of the world. I kind of don’t even know what to say anymore. I have this one intense memory of my dad, years ago, talking about Vietnam (he did 2 tours of duty in the Army) and that it never should have happened, and then all sorts of other things in history that never should have happened, and we all have a duty from stopping those things from happening. It made a lot of sense to me when I was younger, with no family of my own to care for. I thought adults who weren’t involved in civic duty were lazy or uncaring. I couldn’t imagine not protesting or marching in the streets. Now, in my 50s, quite unexpectedly married with 3 small children (at the moment, anyway, foster care is full of surprises….)? People, I’m tired. I’m busy living. I don’t know why our laundry seems to breed during the day while I am at work, I don’t know how we lose so many toothbrushes, and I have utterly no idea what to make for dinner. I turn on CNN just long enough to turn it off again, I’d rather read about atrocities than have them replayed on a screen in my living room. I honk the car horn in support of protesters that line Route 1, so much so that the little guy always asks me to honk the horn when he is in the car with me, and it’s hard to explain to a 2 year old that we only honk when people are waving signs we agree with — or when some jerk tries to cut you off. “Honk honk!” he demands, and sometimes if we are far enough away from traffic or houses I will honk just to make him happy. I think to myself, I’m raising two children that are not biologically mine; is that civic duty enough? Am I doing my part already? But what good is it if I am raising them to be part of a world that is evil and cruel and that wants their friends sent back to countries their parents fled in order to give them better lives?
I feel pretty helpless at the moment, to be honest. And afraid, because there is no doubt that once they are done targeting immigrants and people of color, they are coming for women next. They’ve already started. This isn’t the world I wanted to bring my daughter into. And I don’t know what to do about it. And I have Covid, during a snowstorm, so here I am tappity-tapping away to the wind, while somewhere in the house the girls are fighting over who-knows-what and a cat is digging its claws into an abandoned knitting project. I want to dig my claws in to something too, in between piano lessons and foster care meetings and juggling everyone’s various doctor and dentist appointments. And don’t even mention summer camp to me; why I have to worry about this in January is a whole other rant.
***
I’m also irritated that I couldn’t have waited a week to get sick, partly because of the big snowstorm hitting us as I type, but also because both Bridgerton and Shrinking have new seasons coming out later in the week. I did watch as much of the latest season of Shetland as available on BritBox, and can I just say I don’t know if there is a more perfect theme song to any show, ever? It’s so beautiful and haunting. Last night I couldn’t sleep (oh the irony) and watched oodles of TikTok’s of these 2 midwesterners who hiked the Appalachian Trail this year. Ten years ago I thought this was something my husband and I would do one day, but it’s unlikely at this point. Also, I’ve seen pictures of the Knife’s Edge on Katahdin and nope, nope, nope.
