Now I Know.

There’s the guy that got away, and then there’s the guy you let go of.  Not because you didn’t love him, but as an act of self-preservation.  Because you know the crazy-making shit that’s happening isn’t love but something else entirely, something deep and dark and completely out of your control.  Because at some point you decide to love yourself more.

It’s the hardest decision you will ever make, it will feel like somebody died.  But it gets better, over time, and while you aren’t quite at a place of forgiveness yet you begin to see a light at the end of the tunnel.  You take baby steps to build a life for yourself, and then you find someone else to share it with, and it’s so different without all the drama but good.  Really, really good.  The way it’s supposed to be.

And then the guy-you-let-go-of actually dies.

You don’t believe it until you see the obituary.  And then, that retaining wall you’ve built, the one holding it all together for so long, just bursts.  Because even though the end was years ago, and you’ve already mourned once, this is The End, and a part of you just died for real and you didn’t even know it until 3 days later.

And you know your problems are the least of it – his family, his wife, his children all have much bigger crosses to bear.  He was yours but only temporarily; he was theirs, always and forever.  Still, he carried a piece of you, in fact a great big chunk of you, from age 17 until 37.  Twenty years of on-again, off-again love and friendship and angst and suffering.  And ultimately betrayal, in some bewildering and totally unnecessary ways.

You learned that love isn’t always enough.

And now he’s dead.  You don’t know how or why, and maybe it doesn’t matter anyway.  You don’t doubt your decision to break ties, but you wish you had been able to forgive more quickly.  There’s no set timetable for these sorts of things, just “someday” and “eventually” and then suddenly it’s too late.  You read the obituary and cry and call him names as you look upwards, in the off-chance he’s actually there (because the afterlife is a murky concept for you, the agnostic).  You do this not because you hate him, but because once again he has broken your heart.

You are simultaneously devastated the funeral is private and relieved that the decision to attend has been made for you.

You know in a few weeks it will be better, things will be back to normal.  The old pictures will go back in their box, and you will put one foot in front of the other, and pick up your life again.  You will make sure your very excellent boyfriend knows that he’s the best thing that has ever happened to you, and thank him for giving you space to mourn a part of your life he will never know.  The wound that has been re-opened will heal again, this time forever, and there’s relief in that.

The only thing that changes is that now you don’t have to occasionally wonder how the ex is or what he is doing, or worry about certain things, like running into him at the grocery store back home.  It’s all moot.  Now, you know.

(Soundrack:  This and this and, ultimately, this, even though he’d hate it.)

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For TSS

Mackworth

“So I’ll always know where it is” – Harold & Maude

 

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Blue Skies

One day, recently (and, really, one day only!), there was this:

Blue Sky

And lo, it was foretold:  the end of the gray knitting was nigh.

Happily, one day last week I happened to get home a little early and had a few minutes to wander around my local yarn/fabric shop.  Off in a little corner I found a copy of this pattern (Purl Dreams by Heirloom Stitches) and it just so happened I already had some chunky yarn in my basket at home in lovely shades of Tiffany blue, light aqua and cream (Berrocco Vintage Chunky).  Stash project, woo hoo!  (Well, mostly stash; I may need to buy one more skein.  We’ll see.)

I re-learned that chunky yarn and size 10 needles burns through projects quite quickly:

Blue Knitting

Sadly, I had to back off a bit as the tendonitis reared its ugly head again.  But that’s okay, because I started going through a box of old fabrics.  I found a whole stash of old-fashioned prints that I had never found a use for, and suddenly I pictured myself curled up under a quilt that matched a yellow striped chair and ottoman we saw at a Very Expensive Furniture Store the other day and which I instantaneously coveted.  Seeing the fabric made something in my brain snap, and suddenly I *needed* to make a quilt that would be conducive to snuggling with a kitty while reading on a rainy day AND that would match a chair that I DO NOT OWN.  (Yet.)  So, like a woman possessed, I immediately stopped what I was doing (which, *ahem*, would be cleaning) and started cutting up 4″ x 8″ rectangles.  When I ran out of fabric I went back to the box and found more.  And after three nights, I have lots of squares that are now being sewn together.  (Again, I have re-learned that big blocks go together quite quickly.)

spring fabric

What will come first, a finished quilt or the chair?

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Gray Scenes

snow shadows bw

snow frong

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1.  Snow shadows.

2.  Ceramic frog in yard.

3.  Another (unblocked)  Who hat and a baby mitten (there is now a pair), knit out of Cascade 220 sport.

They say not to knit gray things in winter, but I definitely went through a phase these past couple of weeks as I’ve been replenishing my baby gift pile.  It’s not a color that screams “baby”, and yet this particular shade seems like a nice warm neutral, especially paired with white.  It would work well with pink, blue or yellow, certainly.  I have a little bit left, too, though for the moment I have moved on to a bit more cheery project.  More on that soon!

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Boycotting Winter

winter 14

It’s snowing.  WHY IS IT SNOWING?  I don’t really care that it’s January, it’s Massachusetts, these things happen with alarming regularity.  I get it, but no.  After a week of unseasonably warm temperatures, I was ready to wave winter goodbye.  In fact, I *had* waved winter goodbye.  My internal body clock thinks it is March.

If I plug my ears and squeeze my eyes shut tightly, can I will all those big, fat, wet flakes away?

Apparently not.  I’m up at the VEB’s, and I decided to make a quick run to the yarn store.  By the time I headed home, it was snowing hard and the roads were terrible.  I was careful, though, and made it all the way to the VEB’s driveway, which sadly is a hill.  A small hill, mind you, but enough of a hill that my little car did not want to go up it.  Also, the driveway runs right between two apartment buildings, so it was not entirely out of the question that had I slid very much in either direction, it would not have been pretty.  Shenanigans and a few frustrated tears ensued, ending in the maintenance guy coming downstairs and plowing the driveway.  (I think I lost my native Mainer credibility right there.)

Also infuriating, I left my new snowshoes at my house, because I was so sure winter was over that I stopped checking the weather.  I didn’t even bring my winter coat, just the spring jacket I’ve been wearing this past week.  I also forgot my camera, so I’m making do with phone pictures.  I did bring the knitting, which is a good thing because it’s probably the only green I’m going to be seeing for awhile…

green

Twin Leaf Loop scarf from Botanical Knits by Alana Dakos – see here for details.  Yarn is discontinued Cleckheaton country silk, an Australian wool blend.  Happily, this is from the stash – I bought this at Windsor Button’s going-out-of business sale last year.  

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Knitting is Tiring

knitting is hard

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New Year, New Knitting

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Between the snowstorm yesterday and feeling the twinges of a cold coming on, I took to my bed along with my knitting and Warehouse 13 episodes on Netflix.  Such an old-fashioned phrase – “I took to my bed” – but it worked; I feel much better today.  Not well enough to go out in the seven-below degree weather and shovel snow, mind you, but better.

I don’t usually buy books at my local yarn store, but I saw this one (Botanical Knits by Alana Dakos) and immediately had to have it.  The patterns are the sorts of things that I wish *I* had designed.  Very lovely and feminine and earthy, all with leaf-related motifs that would be nice to wear while hiking around in the woods.  Also, the book is quite well-designed for the knitter – there are both row-by-row instructions as well as charts for the knitting, which I find helpful.  I primarily use the written instructions, but like having the chart to refer to for a visual of how things are supposed to be shaping up (literally and figuratively).  I’ve only partially knit one pattern, but so far it’s been error-free and while a little tricky in a few spots, I’ve been able to use the Techniques and Abbreviations sections to get myself over the hurdles.  It’s also a lovely book to look at, at least for those of us who have a thing for leaves.  I also love that its self-published.  (Though, the model makes me miss all the hair I had cut off this summer.)

Pattern:  Oak Trail cloche; Yarn:  Berroco Vintage in (I think) Charcoal…I had the yarn shop wind the yarn for me, and accidentally left the ball band behind. 

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Last FO of 2013

Well, I had plans for a much grander finish to 2013 but I’ll have to settle for this small quilt.  I started sewing this at least 2 years ago – I know that because I can remember sitting at my sewing machine in my old apartment sewing up the blocks, listening to the country music being piped in by my oh-so-annoying neighbor and thinking “I have GOT to move”.  I can’t remember the line of fabric, but I know I bought it at a now-closed quilt store in Attleboro, after stopping by one summer Friday afternoon on my way home from Providence.  And I know it was a “layer cake” – a package of ~40, 10″ squares from a line of fabric, which you then cut up and sew.  I know I didn’t love the fabric, but it was on sale and I was looking for an easy project.  (Pattern is “Stepping Stones” by Mary’s Cottage Quilts.)

Truthfully, it was easy enough to sew.  The problem was that, well, I didn’t love the fabric.  And once I got the top done, it wasn’t quite big enough and I didn’t know what to do.  I needed border fabric, but couldn’t find any fabric in the same line to match, and nothing else I found really fit either.  Finally I gave up and found some solid green in my stash that more-or-less matched and said, “good enough”.  Never let perfect be the enemy of good.

And then I just decided to machine quilt the thing, very minimally and very simply – partly because I am not a machine quilter and partly because I was gunning for DONE.  And then I threw the thing in the washer and dryer, which makes it soft and crinkly and looks juuuuust enough weathered.

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It’s not very big – enough to curl up on the couch with, but definitely not a bed-sized quilt.

As per usual the photo shoot help arrived just in the nick of time, unbidden and from corners of the apartment unknown.  I caught her mid-yawn, which always cracks me up because she looks like she’s laughing at me.  Which, y’know, is what I suspect she is doing a good portion of the time…

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Happy 2014!

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Field Trip – Lowell

We woke up this morning with no plan for the day, but then the VEB reminded me that months ago I had mentioned wanting to go to the New England Quilt Museum.  And the next thing I knew, we were driving north on 495 towards Lowell.  Field trip!

(I do so love these jaunts with the VEB, and also am grateful that he’s quite willing to go explore places that he’d probably otherwise never step foot in.  Such a good sport!)

NEQM

Truthfully?  I had expected room upon room of historic quilts and that wasn’t the case.  The museum is actually quite small, with the first floor being retail space and the upstairs containing a few small galleries and the library.  In some ways I found this disappointing, but at the same time it gives you the ability to really appreciate each individual quilt, and I didn’t leave feeling overwhelmed as I sometimes do when visiting museums.  I also got the sense that this is a museum created BY quilters FOR quilters; it’s entirely possible we missed something, but I found myself explaining a lot of basic stuff to the VEB that I felt like should have been part of the exhibits.  I don’t know that someone without a quilting background could have fully appreciated the exhibits – but then again, I don’t know how many non-quilters would be likely to stumble into the museum anyway.

The main exhibit was on modern quilting, a topic on which I have many conflicting points of view.  I will say that I was delighted to see the controversial “Bang You’re Dead” quilt made by Jacquie Gering (see here and a longer explanation here), which is a graphic depiction of a gun and blood.  (The museum allows non-flash photography but photos cannot be used on blogs, hence no photo of the quilt here.)  Ironically, it was the first piece we saw as we entered the exhibit area, and although we looked closely at it, it wasn’t until I later saw a video of Gering describing the genesis of the piece that I realized it was there.  I felt like a moron!  We were looking SO closely at it that we didn’t even see the gun shape; up close, it just looked like random black, white and red blocks, and I guess we missed the artist statement hanging right next to the quilt (arrrrgh!).

I can’t say whether or not I “liked” the quilt.  I have zero issues with using the quilt medium to make political or sociological statements; in fact, I applaud it.  And after listening to the Harper High School series that This American Life did earlier this year, which left me completely heartbroken, the quilt had even more meaning for me as it was created in reaction to the insidious youth violence happening in Chicago that was similarly profiled in the Harper High series.  From that perspective, I think it’s an important piece of art that needs to be seen and discussed.  Would I want the quilt hanging in my living room?  Well, no – but that’s hardly the point.

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The other temporary exhibit was a delightful series of what I would describe as enchanting mixed-media sculptures by the artist and children’s author Sally Mavor (the museum calls them “fabric relief sculptures”).  These were used as artwork for her book Pocketful of Posies, and I just cannot say enough about how freaking CUTE they are.  There must have been at least 20 of these pieces on exhibit, all created using felted wool and embellished with all sorts of thread, buttons, and other found objects including acorns.  Even the VEB enjoyed these and marveled at the artist’s little details, and both the skill and whimsy evident in each piece.  All of the pieces were mounted in shadow boxes, and a few of them were for sale.  I would have gladly handed a credit card over if I had thought they would have been remotely within my little budget!  The one glitch about this exhibit though? it was in an all-purpose room, crowded together with Christmas quilts and, inexplicably, a train set.  The pieces perhaps aren’t quilts in the literal sense, but they do incorporate quilting techniques, and I was baffled that such beautiful works of art were not more “front and center”.

I didn’t buy anything in the museum shop, only because I have sworn to finish up some existing projects before buying any more sewing or knitting supplies.  Otherwise, I most certainly would have walked away with some sashiko embroidery kits like these.  It’s an eclectic store, and hopefully I will remember to stop in again before next year’s holiday shopping!

***

After a quick but delicious lunch down the street (Tremonte Pizzeria) we drove down a few blocks to the American Textile History Museum.  In retrospect, we should have probably gone to the textile museum first, as it explains how textiles are made, and then the quilt museum shows how textiles can be used – I’d certainly suggest that order to anyone planning a visit.  Frankly, I find it weird that the two museums are not co-located, especially since a docent at the textile museum told us that for financial reasons the museum had been forced to condense its footprint in the building it is located in.  (There are now newspaper offices as well as condos in addition to the museum space, and the entrance is so confusing that I can only imagine how many times a day the receptionist for the Lowell Sun gets asked how much admission to the museum is.)  I can’t help but wonder what role gender plays in the two different museums – the quilt museum run by women, featuring a traditional women’s craft, where the textile industry was pretty dominated by men (sure, women worked in the mills, but they hardly ran them), and the videos demonstrating the machines were all by men (at least, the ones we watched).

Lori’s “Feminist Conspiracy Theories” aside….my take-away from the textile museum was, thank god I didn’t have to work in a mill — those machines are LOUD, for one thing, and for another thing I was spooked by learning that sometimes the vibrations from the looms could make the buildings start to shift, and they’d have to stop the machines to make sure the buildings didn’t topple.  Good lord.  People complain about unions without remembering what harsh conditions our forebearers toiled in.  At the same time, it’s disheartening to realize all that industry is gone now – all those jobs and all that economic activity just…gone.  It’s disheartening, certainly, and I wish I knew how to fix it.

It wound up being a pretty thought-provoking day – industrialization, economic growth and decline, handcrafting versus mass production, workers rights, women’s work as art…so much to think about.

And now I want to work on a quilt.

 

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Compose – Year in Review

My word for 2013 was Compose, and the story behind that choice is here.  I am sorry to say that the spare room is still a mess, I haven’t written anything except for blog posts, and I go to the gym so sporadically that it doesn’t even count.  Mostly I think it was a ridiculous choice of focus for the year, because short of a complete personality transplant I don’t know how I thought I would get all those projects done.  Also?  this year went by in a blink of an eye.  Mostly I don’t mind getting older, but this whole time-passes-more-quickly-now phenomena is really unsettling.  My nephew was born just yesterday and yet now he is somehow 15 years old and 5’10” and wielding a hockey stick.  This cannot be possible – and yet, it is very real and very disconcerting.

And then, I had to have an organ removed.  On the one hand, it took 42  years for anything remotely bad to happen to me physically, and that’s something.  On the other hand, now I’m worried about what part of me is the next to go.

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 I took a lot of pictures, though.

In fact, I filled up an 8 gig SD card worth of photos.  Most were crap, frankly, but between the VEB’s tutoring, joining an informal photography group, and taking lots and lots of pictures, I have a few that make me happy.  They are not technically perfect, mind you, but I feel like they are a big step in the right direction, especially since I’m still using a point-and-shoot camera and not a DSLR.  I’m also doing virtually no post-processing (ie, not using PhotoShop or Lightroom), just cropping and some occasional brightness/contrast fiddling.  Most of my favorites have been used on the blog in prior posts, but here’s a round-up of my “Top Ten” pictures for the year:

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Narragansett Cairn

yellow warbler nest

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Dinner Time

The VEB’s favorite surprised me (#5 – the bird in the nest), and so I’d love to hear if you have a favorite.  Or, if you know anything about photography (particularly nature photography), what suggestions for improvement would you give me?

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